my mother

I'm really really sick of my mother

I've been sick (fever over 100*) as mentioned in my last post so I've been sleeping quite a bit this weekend ...

I told Jenn I would see her on like Wednesday (before I got sick) on Sunday for a least a few hours and as Karin will tell you I'm not in the habit of breaking promises if I can help it. So my fever went do to like 98* and I was feeling a lot better so I figured if I went to visit Jenn for a couple hours it wouldn't be a big deal ... well being as I am sick I fell asleep big shock!!!!! are you shocked?!? I'm certainly shocked !!! I got a lovely text message from my mother so when I woke up planning to go straight home I decided to go back to sleep and just spend the night with Jenn who has been much more comforting than my mother ever has been. So yeah when Jenn had to get up to leave in the morning she asked if I wanted to stay or go home so I said I should go home or my mom would be really pissed... When I got home my mom was up and just stared at me as usual she never says anything to me she treats me like shit so I went to my room and there was this page long rant in bold letters taped to my door in it she called me a drunk and useless. then she went on to say how how I was sick and she "allowed" me not to cook and clean the day before when SHE wanted my grampa to come over for dinner (no one else did) (and mind you I did dust the whole house and cook the 6 Cornish hens and the vegetables) ... I'm sick of living here and always being put down ... I could win the noble prize in biology and my mom would tell me I'm the dumbest person she has ever met

sick

I have been not feeling well for 2 weeks now in fact i just keep feeling worse and worse ... my sleeping habits are getting worse as well... at first i wasnt sleeping at all when i visited Karin they gave me some meds to help me make it through the night which helped me get some sleep with was much appreciated :) but then my body went right back to rejecting sleep again ...now im sleeping like 10+ hours a day its scary ... i cant keep my eyes open at all and I'm nauseous like all the time wtf is going on ... like i was fine until i went to the Dr to find out what this pain was in my side and then he prescribe me anti inflammatory drugs and topamax and all this other BS ... i havent worked out in like a month and i feel really weak from all of that ... i just want to stop taking these pills altogether i think they are the reason for the fever the nusua and all the other problems ... on top of that I need to find a printer and like fast cause i need to print something out like it was yesterday

blah

yeah I'm just pissed off..need a computer soon

question

can you really say you enjoyed sex with a man if you got off but only b/c you pictured women you've been with recently in your mind the whole time?


I've been thinking about that recently ...

I'm pretty sure

I'm pretty sure ...


That no matter what I'm going to hell if there is such a place (I'm all pretty certain they made "hell" up years ago to scare people into submission)

the reason is pretty logical

People on the basic principal of being animals are only supposed to be around long enough to procreate ... you know ...spread their seed

Modern medicine has allowed people to live beyong 25 yrs to have these long lives we are now accustomed to, As a 24 yr old I'm about to miss out on my basic mission in life... in one year I'll be 25 at which time I would have missed out on my life mission while watching everyone around me fulfil their own missions.

Even in the most basic life mission you're supposed to find a "mate" I can't even do that so basically I'm a pathetic animal ...

frustrations

So I am sooooo beyond frustrated these days...

I have no privacy anymore ... well its kinda my fault b/c my computers are great at getting viruses (and NO i dont look at porn!) so I've been using my moms which is sitting on the kitchen table and everyone always has to come over and be like what are you looking at? and then precedes to read whatever im reading or typing... like waht if I was having cyber sex I want privacy dam it!!! Not that I do but yeah.. I just want my computers back :( I miss them and being able to go online without having to ask if its ok to do so

also im totally confused with women ... so I go out with this girl we have an ok time (she said she had a "great" time..I think she exagerated that a bit) and then she e-mails me a day or so later and wants to hang out with a group of friends??? whats that supposed to mean exactly? so she liked me enough to be a friend and nothing more? thats fine but quit fucking with my head... in addition she makes her facebook status say something along the lines of how she enjoyed her day in Philly with strangers (she calls me a stranger.... technically I am we barely know much about each other) ... so yeah wtf??? I think im just giving up on her period ... I always have the nazi if I want to get laid

oh and speaking of the nazi her brother and mother are a fucking piece of work for real! So her brother always talks about how I am fat and ugly ... not gonna lie I'm over weight but hes like MORE overweight than I ever was!!!! and I guess I'm ugly it seems to be a concencus across the board so thats fine I cna live with it .... but dude has NEVER had a conversation with me adn thinks that my personality is determined by my weight?? no way asshole get a life ... oh and he claims that is ok for men to be overweight but women that are overweight are disgusting ... and then he tells his sister that when he gets married he is going to beat his wife b./c she has to "obey him" what an asshole now I know why he has been single every day of his 23 yrs of life! and then there is her mother who met me ONCE and I said all of about 2 sentances to her which were like hello how are you I'm a friend of Katies from Sesame Place ... and apparently that was offensive??? please where???? that was the first time I met her the second time I went to her house the Katie goes into the kitchen i follow and her mother looks at me and turns to katie and goes Katie not tonight we cat have company over she has to go home ... I didnt even say a word at that point so I start to walk out and her mom is following us adn I turn to Katie and go well you're WELCOME to come to my house and her mom glares at me .... fucking bitch ... and then later that night katies other freind Aleksy comes over and her mom claws at him according to Katie... of so anyway after I left her house the second time her brother was saying shit about how I was fat and ugle and someone should lynch me Katie stuck up for me ... a nazi standing up for a jew who woulda thunk it? and then there is the question why am I hanging around with the nazi? I don't know im still confused by it ...really I am but I really feel more comfortable with her than with many other people ...like I could be myself or something and she doesnt mind all my quirks and faults she likes and accepts them ... or maybe we are bothe beyond fucked up??? I dunno someone explain ifyou can

and then I got my new car a ford escape 2009 its amazing I love it and wouldnt trade it for the world... well maybe in 10 yrs I will trade it but I'm so happy with it right this moment

lets see what else is on my mind... I have a therapist I see 2x a month and she thinks im precognative (psychic) which kinda scares me b.c like well arent I seeing you so I wont go crazy I think you might be crazy how is that going to help me??? and also she talks to Lunesta on like a daily basis and thats not good b.c lunesta is fucking nutso herself and is prob told all of what I say ... anyway I have to goto work booooo

wow...what was wrong wit hme

so i weighed myself and my pack before going on the trip and I weighed almost as much as i did when i was still really fat it was th same!

I dont know how i wa sablle to function at that weight it is fucking insane!!!

I'll never weigh tthat again im completly disgusted by myself

An all time low

So today I wasnt supposed to work but this older woman called out b.c her son is in the hospital and very ill (auto immune disorder). I agreed to go in to cover her shift... no problems right?

Apparently not b.c at some point someone "hacked" (more like the dumb ass gives her password to anyone and everyone) into Lunesta's myspace account (I'm assuming by what she has written in her status and said to me about the incident) ... I have NO idea what was said but it at no time would ever call for her to text me this
"I hope you slit your wrist just like Megan did you stupid cunt"

Megan being my late girlfriend who committed suicide by cutting her wrist.

who says that to someone? really that is beyond uncalled for! I'm sure she has pissed off her fair share of people not just me...

oh and her new myspace status is something along the lines of "I didn't write that stuff up here one of my exes hacking into my profile I wonder who that would be dumbass!!!"

first of all if you are acusing me of doing this then get your facts straight in what universe were we ever together??? b/c on this planet in this universe we were NOT together!! not even a little bit ... we never even kissed (thankfully!!!) ... obviously she could not be refering to me right??? no dead fucking wrong she was telling people her and I were a couple .... I might not be the "perfect" woman according to many people but my standards arent that low !!!

im pretty pissed off right now and a bit depressed

Oh and Eric is a fucking psycho too but Karin can share that story ... poor Karin

so...

I met a girl .. hopefully things will go well ...seems we really like eachother ...

and on the total upside she isnt a complete psycho and actually fun!

total BS

I got punched in the face not not liking obama... and my car was vandalized ... and the cops did nothing ... just like they did nothing when that group of ppl attacked and nearly beat an innocent man to death

I'm so sick

of having to bear the burden of life anymore. I just want out and there are plenty of people who wouldn't mind it either.

No one cares about my emotions they are to busy stomping all over me/them. and really why should they I am an insignificant person who will do nothing with her life... im so pathetic I even tried to join the military but im not good enough for them either ... just got the letter to prove it ..im pathetic

someone needs to give me the strength to pull the trigger one of these days ... in the near future if you dont mind

how rediculous is this?

so long story get ready to read

so Sunday May 10th 2009 my mom was talking to my sister on the phone, while on the phone she was sealing a package located in my sisters room

Fast forward 2 days to Tuesday night ... Stelisa sleeps over (in my sisters room) Wednesday morning my mom notices the bag is open and the contents are thrown about the room. Friday my mother asks me if I opened the bag, I tell her no and she then informs me she is 99.99999999999% sure Stelisa opened the package and threw it around the room. I call Stelisa and ask if she did so, she denies and flips out (like the I'm guilty as all fuck but don't want you to know flip out). Stelisa says my mom framed her b/c she was afraid we were dating and Stelisa was "making me gay". Mind you the night before I told my mother I was gay and that she couldn't change me. Now my relationship with her is amazing!

So anyway I confront Stelisa with this information and she gets all mad saying she wants an apology from me for not defending her and from my mother for accusing her ... I told her I asnt getting stuck in the middle with this BS ...

Friday night Stelisa stays at my friend Colleen and Tonys for the night where she bashes me and my mother over the incident... then she gets even more pissed when I ask her why she said what she said to Colleen and Tony and decides the best way to deal with it is to send me pics of a woman sucking a dudes dick and being squirted in the face with cum... real mature ...

anyway I got super mad when the fat slob bitch tells me to "Go kill Myself" so now I am dead to her and shes a fucking bitch

and she is going around telling people I am lazy, rude, selfish, inconciderate, how I walked all over her, that I got her kicked out of her house (she did that all on her dam own!), and a few other choice things

anyway I have a problem b/c my therapist is her therapist and they talk on the phone all the dam time and the therapist tells Stelisa about her clients ... I'm not so comfortable going to see her anymore and I dont know if I should even go anymore ... thoughts on that?

ugh dude

ok so like I keep attracting weirdos wtf is wrong with me???

I go from the emotionless unresponsive/unreceptive nazi to an emotionless unreceptive bitch ... why cant a normal person who has somewhat of a sex drive be attracted to me???

Equality Forum

May 3rd (yesterday) was equality forum in Philly ... and what an interesting day it was ...

So I told my mother I was going to the Broad Street Run instead b/c she would like steal my car keys if I told her where I was going for real. It was definitely hard core raining, like real bad... of course we need umbrellas so Lunesta went and got some I got a purple one and Lunesta got a blue one

On the way into Philly my mother called and said "I bet you're glad you didn't go its pouring out" I definitely was STILL going we fought then I said bye and hung up ... she called back b/c she HAS to have the last word of course ... I totally didn't care and just said whatever ... aparently I'm going to get sick and die from standing out in the rain ... or not actually

We finally arrived in Philly near the rally and onward we went! the rally was pretty dead due to the rain but you can't keep a rainbow down there was still a lot of people ... and a few protestors ... one of them was fucking HOT! She was passing out these stupid little flyers saying no lie first line "Jesus loves and accepts everyone" second line "homosexuality is a sin" ... we stopped reading after that ... I wanted to throw it in her face but Lunesta just threw it on the ground ... oh well ... and another funny thing with the protestors was that we bought a pretzel and it was soooo large we couldnt finish it so she goes up to the protestor and goes "you look like you're hungry from all that hard work" he gave her a nasty look and it was funny ...

there were cops everywhere it was sickening!!! I was standing next to one and go if these protestors talk to me I'm gonna shoot them ... and then I added just kidding I don't have a gun ... I totally did tho a nice 380 :) its a sexy one too I'm gonna buy my own 380 AMT it was that hot!

Oh so there was like 100 booths or something and Lunesta made us look at all of them ... we got to one called Rainbow Alternatives and Lunesta was like go pick out a shirt ... I totally didnt want but she like forced me to and it was totally uncomfortable b/c yeah it just was ... one of the booths you got to spin a wheel and win a prize ... I got a book booo I wanted the adult video! and another booth was PCOM the school I go to and I was so excited there was a gay club on campus but there totally wasnt it was the psych students being awesome and setting up a booth for awareness ... I got a frisbee off of them and a water bottle :) ... there wasnt much going on there really

Then there was a rally we went to infront of independance hall which was fun of course and I totally couldnt find Kevin

o yeah Kevin was this guy I met the night before at the bar b/c I was trashed and was like " I KNOW YOU!" and we totally knew each other b.c we went to HS together ... then there was another girl I went to HS with and I asked her if she went to HS with me and she was all mean so that was that ... what a bitch!

anyway back to yesterday ... we called each other like 239834875 times to meet somewhere but we totally never met up b.c he got there late then he had to eat and then Lunesta HAD to eat at Sisters (the lesbian bar) so we went there and she totally wouldn't walk so we ad to get a stupid cab grrr and then I had to pay for it and I wanted to walk WTF!!! anyway we got to sisters and totally didnt eat food there ...so I was adequatly pissed off b/c I just wasted 7 bucks for nothing!! we met up with this girl Jean who is from LA and we hav the same personality almost its scary! we ate at Cozi but got food from Potbelly (awesome food!) went back to sisters and hung out upstairs... there was this cute girl in a white hat so I told Lunesta and her apporach was to push me into the girl ... who luaghed at me cuase it was stupid I apologized tryed to talk to her but she was already luaghing at me with her friend so I walked away ... later on I wasn't so "relaxed" as Jean liked to say so they gave me a 7.5 perk and alot of alcohol ... needless to say I was fucked up ... it felt good for a bit but then like I totally couldnt breath and stuff so I went outside and couldnt walk and all and these 3 super hot girls helped me out bought me a water and kept checking up on me ... I think this was after I called Karin and talk some interesting stuff to her ... some how the bouncer at Sister got my car keys and wouldnt give them back ... that was odd I forgot all of how that happened ... and then at about 1030 we left Lunesta got my keys and we ate pizza got a cab back to the car and like ... I didnt recognize the place nd freaked out at the vabb driver and didnt give him a tip ... but he got us to the right place i felt like an ass ... woops and then that was it came home and my mom was pissed at me

Please don't water the seed

So Lunesta tells me that she is "planting a seed" in me and she may "water" it


basically we had this "hypothetical" conversation about if I would get with her ... AFTER she set her friend only boundary ... and I told her I probably wouldn't try to get with her, it would be her doing all the work b/c it was her to stop any possible romantic connection.

So the seed is her wanting to get with me and telling me so ... the thing is I have NO romantic interest in her ... like at all... her personality at times is repulsive ... shes a good person but she is super bossy and yells and makes me nervous a lot ... not to mention the way she treats ppl it is absolutly repulsive ... I don't need another emotional mind fucker in my life!!! Or a person who is going to bring me down ...

Lunesta says she realyl likes my personality and that she has grown to really like me but I have grown to really not be a fan of hers ...

shes texting me right now saying "I miss you" I can't take a needy clingy person in my life or in general I need my space!

any advise on how to make her not like me but still remain friends and get her to understand that she she pushing me away as even a friend with her clingyness???

Whats wrong? ...my rant!!!

People keep bitching at me and my friends are all fighting with each other ... then asking me to pick sides and I really don't give a shit ...they're all adults they can figure it out ya know ... and then my mother the fucking bitch keeps telling em how to live my life its pissing me off ... and I was supposed to move into my sisters room like 5 yrs ago (really 5 yrs ago) and my fucking mother didn't want e too cause she wants the room to store her extra shit in she wont clean out her own closet so now she has her clothes in my brothers room hers and now MINE and I asked her to get it out so I can start painting and shit cause the walls in the other room are nasty but she refuses unless I empty out my room completely to give her space in this smaller one when she has like 23845784375678346 5other places to keep it ... I have like NOTHING and half of my clothes dont fit me... she wanted them so really Im storing a bunch of HER shit in here too... and then I have Stelisa up my butt all day everyday she wont just let me be its really annoying we aren't together ... and I have 0 interest in getting with her she pisses me off a lot! I havent had like 30 min to myself without someone telling me what to do or how to act its just getting on my FUCKING nerves and my whole day of hiking with Zach was fucking ruined when the tire blew on the highway ... I tried so hard to just go to the gym and work out my frustrations and no im still fucking pissed off and unhappy even after the two hours of torture!!! I'm really fucking sick of other people living my fucking life and I'm sick of people bitching to me about each other cause there isn't a god dam thing I can do about it like at all and I'm not picking sides when ppl fucking fight over shit that has nothing to do with me cause I'm not the cause of the problem I don't want to get involved

OMG Idiots!!!

Lamont Carolina Politics is so political.

really did it take you a while to figure that out you stupid pineapple??? really you're a fucking MORON!

get off my back!

I cant take everyone in my life fighting with one another anymore ... its really driving me nuts!!!

I cant fix all your bull shit and drama!

Take care of your own shit if you wot listen to me or take my helping hand!!!

I;m not feeling well my sugar was at 167 this morning and right now its dwn to 101 ... do you know how bad of a drop that is in 6 hours??? especially RIGHT after a work out where it should have been raised for a bit before coming down ??? I dont need your added BS I have my own shit to deal with ... I cant even see properly right now FUCK

hanna montana

yeah I totally watched that movie in the theater today with Stelisa!

Yeah we are total losers but we had such a good time throwing candy and popcorn at the other people in the place. We definitly turned our heads when they did and were like it must be the people working up there in the booth throwing it and the woman was so chill about it and she totally bought our bogus BS story lol ...

the end of the movie makes me hate going to see movies but meh whatever ...

thats all lol ... later peeps

PISSED OFF

HERE I AM AT WORK ... AND THERE IS NO FUCKING WORK! I AM BEYOND PISSED THEY FORCED ME TO COME IN FOR RUN 2 SAMPLES SO FAR ... YES JUST TWO... IN COMPARISON TO THE 80 I RAN YESTERDAY... I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR ALMOST 2 HOURS AND HAVE ANOTHER 8 TO GO ... BUT NO WORK... WHAT WAS THE NEED TO FORCE ME TO COME IN FOR THIS? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE AND I AM PISSED NOT ONLY DID I HAVE PLANS FOR TODAY BUT I AM DUCKING EXHUASTED ... I TOTALLY JUST FELL ASLEEP IN THE BREAK FROM FOR 30 MIN ... AND I THINK I WILL GO BACK TO SLEEP TO TO CATCH UP ON MUCH NEEDED SLEEP.... IM THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS LAB AND THE PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS ALREADY TOLD ME AT MOST THEY WILL BRING UP1 OR 2 MORE SAMPLES ... EFFECTIVELY I COULD HAVE NOT COME TO WORK AND THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST FINE WITHOUT THIS BS ... I REALLY REALLY HATE THEM FOR THIS B.C THEY RUINED A FEW THINGS FOR ME TODAY ...ASSHOLE!!!!