So by now we all know that I am in AZ visiting my friend and that I'll be here till March 11th ... isn't it grand

well in short not really ...

Yesterday was Lauras last day here before flying back to NJ (this is the mean girl I talked about earlier) yesterday were went to a town called Tombstone the town itself was really fun and exciting well ... I enjoyed myself ... but there were things that really bugged me ... for instance I told them I needed to eat (I'm diabetic I need food when I need it) around 1:30 we didn't eat until about 4:00 (we ordered before that but we had to wait for the food to get to the table) I was starting to get all sweaty and cold and dizzy and lightheaded it just wasnt at all good ... and Laura has the nerve to go "Do you really have to eat now?" Yes ass I do! Who the hell are you? Are you a doctor? Are you going to take me to the hospital when I go in shock? the answer to these questions are all NO so STFU!!!! anyway yeah the begining of our trip was also so exciting they decided that it would be awesome if they counted the times I say awesome in a day b/c apparently I say it way to much...the count was 124 in case you were wondering... and then they felt the need to comment on my accent which really isnt an accent from anywhere I say my vowels long so instead of phone its phOOne ...for awesome it goes AWEsome ..but like who cares you know what I'm saying so why make fun of it its not liek its any diffrent than anyone else ...its neglish and you understand it so STFU!!! the whole day I felt like I was an outsider and totally being held captive or something ... dont get me wrong I did enjoy myself I just cant stand when ppl gang up on me its quite aggrevating ...

on top of all of this Nicole decides that she wants to be with me forever and ever and no one else now (where did this sense of intensity come from??? ...no idea) She dumped her g/f for me and she wants to come to CA with me to start 'our family' she says that she will never leave me and will provide for me and our FIVE kids for life ... she really really scares me with this intensity ... she also was willing to fly out to CA to be with me tonight and so that tomorow we could make out at the zoo ... yes make out like 13 yr olds under the bleachers or something ... no Nicole I am almost 24 and I am not that immature and I can't just leave my life in the wind so YOU can have a family I dont want babies at this point in my life I'm not financially stabe or near anysense of stability ... I cant start a family and definitly not with a perosn liek you who will latch yourself to anyone who will give you the time of day ... I don't even see what I saw in you in the first place or why you have choosen me for that matter ... you need to do some soul searching and figure out what it is you want I think you just need someone to love you unconditionally and that can be a puppy for all intensive purposes if you want I would go to the shelter with you ...

lets see as for my thoughts and all well I am currently thinking that I am missing my life ... I feel as if I am living my life thru someone elses body I have no say and no one listens when I speak ... I want to be in control again to feel like life is worth living again I'm sick of this depression and sadness and lack of control ... Another thing I have been thinking about is the lack of love in my life ...I mena there is the crazy nicole but she isnt anything that I want to be with forever ... no I want someone who can see past the end of her nose and be in love with me not my uterus (oh and to add to nicoles wierdness she tells me to go find a guy and fuck him ..in those words exactly) ... anywho so yeah there is this girl Jackie that I have been talking to but I dunno if it is going to ever go anywhere shes really nice totally sarcastic blunt smart and speaks her mind definitly my type of girl (The not playing mindgamers..yea I love those ones) and we get along wonderfully but the thing is we only hung out a few times and she is interested I can see that its obvious her friends even tell me but like I dunno if I really LIKE her ... on paper if you were to list the pros and cons of this girl it would be 4:1 but for some reason I am like blocking myself from falling for her ...i'm seriously scared to be in love again after megan ... or maybe this all has to do with Nicole freaking me out again ... I dunno ... I just want to feel something I havnt been doing any feeling in the recent days ... oh and on valentines day from (2-13-09) 1130 to (2-14-09) 2:30 am I was having sex with my ex Joe (the moron who tried to cheat on me but I cuaght him before he did and had an excuse to end it....so I did) I was there from 9pm to 3 am the next day just to be clear ... so anyway the sex was absolutly empty and menaingless even afterwards I jsut go dressed and was like I gotta go and he was the one to be like no lets talk about this blah blah blah like is there something wrong with me??? why do I just not care ??? I just want my life back thats all I want ... I need to feel emotion soon or I might explode from this lack of humanity within