I'm learning German

German
English Translation
Blödes arschloch
Stupid asshole
Affenschwanz
Monkey-dick
Arsch
Ass
Leck mich am arsch
Kiss my ass! (lit. Lick my ass!)
Arschficker
Ass-fucker
Arschgesicht
Ass-face
Arschkriecher
Ass-crawler
Arschloch
Asshole
Dumpfbacke
Dumb-ass
Fettarsch
Fat-ass
Das war ein geiler Fick
That was a great fuck
Willst Du ficken oder was?
Do you want to fuck or what?
Er legt alle Mädchen flach
He screws all the girls
Wer hat gefurzt?
Who farted?
Hängetitten
Droopy tits
Herunterholen
To masturbate
Mein Leben ist nur ein Haufen Kacke
My life is just a pile of crap
Kacken
To take a crap
Fotze
Pussy, cunt
Muschi
Pussy (kitty)
Oberarsch
Supreme idiot (super ass)
Hau ab, Du Pfeife
Take a hike, dick
Pinkeln
To urinate
Pisse
Piss
Schleimer
Kiss Ass
Wichser
Wanker
Pissen
To piss
Puff
Whorehouse
Puffmutter
Whorehouse Madame
Du fauler Sack
You lazy bastard
Scheiße
Shit
Was machst Du da für Scheiße?
What the fuck are you doing?
Ich finde Dich Scheiße
I think you're shit
Scheißdreck
Crap, Bullshit (lit. crap dirt)
Er redet immer Scheißdreck.
He's always talking crap
Das geht dich einen Scheißdreck an
That's not your fucking business
Das geht dich einen feuchten Dreck an
That's none of your goddamn business
Ist mir scheißegal!
I don't give a shit
Ich Scheiße darauf
Shit on that
Scheißhaus
Toilet (lit. Shithouse)
Scheißkerl
Asshole (lit. Shit-guy)
Schleimscheißer
Ass-kisser (lit. slime-shitter)
Schwanz
Penis, dick, cock
Steife
Penis, dick, cock
Pimmel
Penis, dick, cock
Titten
Tits
Die hat ja Titten wie Melonen
She's got tits like melons
Tripper
Gonorrhea
Ficken
To fuck
Wichser
Jack-off
Du bist ein verdammter Wichser
You're a real jack-off
Schweinehund
Pigdog
Fotze
Cunt
Blode Fotze
Stupid cunt
Hurensohn
Son of a bitch
Hure
Whore
Depp
Idiot
Drecksau
Dirty pig
Arschgesicht
Assface
Fick dich
Fuck you
Fick mich
Fuck me
Schlampe
Tramp or Slut
Halt die klappe Affe
Shut up ape
Leck mich am Arsch
Lick my ass
Mach es dir selber
Go fuck yourself
Soll ich dir einen blasen?
Would you like a blowjob
Arschgeiger
Ass Strummer
Einhandsegeln
Wank
Verpiss dich
Fuck off
Schwuler
Fag
Verdammt
Damn
Gottverdammt
God Damn it
Geh fick deine Mutter
Go fuck your mother
Geh fick deinen Vater
Go fuck your father
Geh fick deinen Bruder
Go fuck your brother
Geh fick deine Schwester
Go fuck your sister
Dummkopf
Idiot
Hundeschiss
Dog shit
Abschaum
Scum
Sich abzapfen
To jerk off
After
Anus
Analfixiert
Anal retentive
Da hast du dich aber anscheißen lassen
You really got screwed over
Du scheißt' mich an
You're a pain in the ass
Am Arsch der Welt
In a Godforsaken hole
Setz deinen Arsch in Bewegung
Get your ass in gear
Beschissen
Lousy, crappy
Betthase
A good lay (lit. bed rabbit)
Bockmist
Bullshit (lit. ram manure)
Brüste
Breasts
Busen
Breasts
Busengrabscher
Tit-grabber
Dirne
Prostitute
Prostituierte
Prostitute
Rotlichtviertel
Red-light district
Dirnenviertel
Red-light district
Donnerwetter
Darn it
Zum Donnerwetter
Damn it (lit. To the thunder weather)
Drecksack
Dirty bastard (lit. Dirt sack)
Drecksau
Filthy swine, Filthy bastard
Dreckskerl
Filthy swine, Filthy bastard
Dussel
Twit, twerp
Eier
Balls (lit. eggs)
Erotomane
Sex maniac
Erotomannin
Nymphomaniac
Feuchte Träume
Wet dreams
Fick
Fuck
Ein guter Fick
A good fuck
Schwanz
Cock
Flöte
Cock (lit. flute)
Flöten
To suck cock (lit. play the flute)
Schlampe
Bitch
Sie ist eine Fregatte
She's built like a battleship (lit: It's a frigate)
Freier
A john
Geil
Horny
Ein geiler Wicht
Dirty old man, pervert
Gemein
Vulgar, nasty
Hintern
Backside
Hoden
Testicles, balls
Hodensack
Scrotum
Hölle
Hell
Fahr zur Hölle
Go to hell
Hurensohn
Son of a whore
Kesser Vater
Dyke, butch lesbian (Slang)
Klitoris
Clitoris
Klugscheißer
Know-it-all, smart ass
Lesbe
Lesbian
Lesbierin
Lesbian
Lesbisch
Lesbian
Mieze
Pussy (also pussy-cat)
Möpse
Tits, boobs
Möse
Cunt, pussy
Muschi
Pussy
Nüsse
Nuts, balls
Nutte
Hooker
Onanie
Onanism
Onanieren
To masturbate
Onanist
Masturbator
Pflaume
Pussy (lit. prune)
Hau Ab!
Piss off!
Ein fauler Sack
A lazy bastard / bugger
Er geht mir auf den Sack
He's a pain in the ass
Samen
Semen, cum
Samenflüssigkeit
Semen, cum
Schamlippen
Labia, lips of the vulva
Scheide
Vagina
Scheißen
To shit
Du scheißt' mich an
You're shittin' me
Ich scheiß' drauf
I don't give a shit about it
Teletbubi zurück Winker
Someone who waves back at the Teletubies
Ihre Mutter ist eine hure
Your mother is a whore
Geh Einhandsegeln!
Go fuck yourself!
Pickelschwanz
Spotty dick
Deine mutter hat haarige arschbacken
Your mum has hairy arse cheeks
Du hast doch nicht mehr alle Tassen im Schrank
Someone stupid (lit. you don't have all your cups in the cupboard anymore)
Hast Du einen guten Schiss gehabt?
Did you have a good shit?
Schwanz
Cock
Schwanzlutscher
Cocksucker
Schwein
Pig, bastard, swine
Schweinehund
Pig, bastard, swine
Schweinekerl
Pig, bastard, swine
Schwule
Homosexuals
Stricher
Male prostitute
Strichjunge
Male prostitute
Stricherin
Female prostitute
Strichmädchen
Female prostitute
Zum Teufel
Dammit! (lit. to devil)
Geh zum Teufel
Go to hell (lit. Go to the Devil)
Hol dich der Teufel
Go to hell (lit. Devil shall get you)
Scher dich zum Teufel
Go to hell
Fahr' zur Hölle
Go to hell
Der Teufel wird los sein
All hell's going to break lose
Verdammt
Damned, bloody
Verdammt
Damn, dammit
Verdammt noch mal
Damn it all
Verdammter Mist
Goddamn it
Verflucht
Damn
Verflucht noch mal
Goddamn it
Warmer Bruder
Gay person (lit. Warm brother)
Weibstück
Bitch
Weichei
Wimp
Wichsen
To masturbate
Ziege
Bitch
Zuhälter
Pimp
Zungenkuss
French kiss
Zwitter
Hermaphrodite
Zwitterhaft
Androgynous
Du bist doch dumm wie Brot
You are as dumb as bread
Scheisskopf
Shit head
Blas' mir einen
Blow me (lit. Blow me one)
Komm abhanden!
Get out
Willst du wohl gefälligst den Mund halten?!
Will you kindly shut up
Lutsch' meine Eier
Suck my balls
Leck meine Eier
Lick my balls
Arschloch
Asshole
Arschgesicht
Shitface
Eselsarsch
Jackass
Lutscher
Sucker
Schlampe
Bitch
Hurensohn
Son of a bitch
Kotzbrocken
Puke
Idiot
Idiot, Jerk
Stümper
Nerd
Niete
Nerd
Abschaum
Scum
Geh' 'ne Kuh melken
Go milk a cow
Triebverbrecher
Sex Maniac
Hoden
Testicles
Du hast null Hoden
You have no balls
Ficken
To fuck
Fick Dich!
Fuck You!
Nutte
Whore
Deine Mutter ist eine Nutte
Your mom's a whore
Arschloch
Asshole
Du bist ein Arschloch
You're an asshole
Dein Mutter
Your gay mother!
Ich will dich vögeln
I want to fuck you
Ich will dich ficken
I want to fuck you
Fick dich ins Knie
Fuck you (lit. fuck you in the knee)
Es ist im Arsch
It's broken/screwed/defunct (lit. It is in the arse)
Korinthenkacker
Anally retentive, pedant (lit. currant shitter)
Du machst mich krank
You make me sick
Du kannst mich mal (am Arsch lecken)
Kiss my arse
Frühspritzer
Suffering from premature ejaculation
Ich will dich ficken
I want to fuck you
Du bist mir ein feiner freund!
Fine friend you are! (used ironically)
Muttersoehnchen
Namby-pamby boy
Mutterficker
Motherfucker
Sie musste viel hinunterschlucken
She had to swallow a lot
Bitte schlafe mit mir
Please sleep with me
Mannsahne
Cum (lit. A man's cream)
Dass ich nicht lache
Don't make me laugh
Erzaehle mir nicht so einen mist
Don't give me that shit
Abhanden kommen
Get lost
Luegner
Liar
Lügner
Liar
Stockdumm
Utterly stupid
Kuemmern sie sich um ihre Angelegenheiten
Mind your own business
Pissnelke
Urinal
Geh' und krabbel in das stinkende Loch zurück, aus dem Du kommst.
Go back to the stinking hole you came from.
Auf die knie, und heul'/winsel' um Vergebung
On your knees, and suck for forgiveness.
Du stinkst wie n Pumakäfig
You stink like a mountain lion's cage.
Du fischgesichtige Entschuldigung einer Verfehlung der Evolution.
You fish-faced excuse of a mishap by evolution.
Seh ich deine fette Freundin, denke ich Deutsche Panzer rollen wieder.
When I see your fat girlfriend, I think German tanks are rolling again.
Danke 'n Scheiss, hinterhältiger Sohn einer klapprigen Scheissnutte.
Thanks for nothing, you backstabbing son of a scraggy bitch whore.
Das ist nicht was dein Vati im BETT gestern Nacht gesagt.
That's not what your dad said in bed last night.
Du gehirnloses Stück Primatenscheisse.
You brainless piece of ape's shit.
Hat man dir mal ins Gehirn geschissen und vergessen umzurühren?
Did someone shit in your head and forget to stir it?
Ihre Mutter ist wie ein Staubsauger: sie saugt, bläst und landet dann im Wandschrank.
Your mum is like a vacuum cleaner: she sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.
Gäbe es 'nen hässlichen Meter, DU wärst es!
If there was an ugly meter, you'd blow the thing to bits.
Gäbe es eine Skala für Hässlichkeit, du wärst drüber!
If there was a scale for ugliness, you would exceed it!
Im Wörterbuch unter 'grotesk' stehen Deine Titten.
Under 'grotesque' in the dictionary, there's a photo of your tits.
Ihre Mutter ist wie die Spielhalle: 2 Euro pro Benutzung.
Your mum is like the neighborhood video game: 2 Euros a turn.
Ich steche Dir die Augen raus und pisse dir ins Gehirn, du kleines schwules Arschloch!
I will poke out your eyes and piss in your brain, you gay asshole.
ABS-Bremser
Someone who needs an abs in the car
Airbagnachrüster
One who installs an airbag in an old car
Auf-jede-Email-Antworter
Someone who answers to every email
Bananenbieger
Someone who bends bananas
Benzinpreisvergleicher
Someone who compares fuel prices
Bergaufbremser
Someone who breaks driving up a hill
Bettnässer
Someone who pisses into his bed
Biernichtleertrinker
One who doesn't drink the whole beer
CD's-Abwischer
Someone who cleans the CD's
Clausthalertrinker
Someone who drinks non-alcoholic beer
Cola-Light-Trinker
Someone who drinks diet coke
Dankesager
Someone who says ''thank you''
Datensicherer
Someone who saves dates on a computer
Dunkelbumser
Someone who only fucks in darkness
Email-Archivierer
Someone who archives his emails
Fallschirmbenutzer
Someone who uses a parachute
Frauenversteher
Someone who understands women
Gummibenutzer
Someone who fucks with a condom
Gurtanschnaller
Someone who uses the seatbelts
Kalorienzähler
Someone who count calories
Linksüberholer
Someone who overtakes on the left side
Nasenhaarschneider
Someone who cuts the hears in the nose
Nullpromillefahrer
Someone who drives without alcohol
Sitzpinkler
Someone who sits down for pissing
Tempolimitbeachter
Someone who cares about speed limits
Warmduscher
Someone who showers warm
Witzeaufschreiber
Someone who writes down jokes
Ampel-Grüngänger
Someone who waits for the green traffic light when walking over the road
Automatikfahrer
Someone who drives a car with automatic transmission
Beckenrandschwimmer
Someone who only swims at the border of a pool
Cabriogeschlossenfahrer
Someone who closes the cabrio when driving
Saug mein Fleisch
Suck my dick
Blas mir einen
Suck my dick
Ich will, dass du mit mir schläfst
I want you to sleep with me
Lutsch meinen Schwanz
Suck my dick
Ich bin shlaffen mit deinen Mutter
I've bin sleeping with your mom
Das geht dich einen Scheißdreck an
It's none of your damn business.
Dein Schwanz ist so klein
Your dick is very small
Dir hat wohl einer in's Hirn geschissen und vergessen zu ziehen!
Apparently someone shat into your head and forgot to flush!
Geh nen Bullen melken
Go milk a male cow
Das einzig interesseante an deiner Lebensgeschichte ist, wie du aus dem Versuchslabor entkommen bist
The only interesting thing in your history is how you escaped from the laboratory.
Wenn ich deine Hackfresse hätte würd' ich lachend in ne' Kreissäge laufen
If I had your ugly face I'd run straight into a buzzsaw, laughing.
Ich werde dich ausstopfen und auf ebay versteigern
I'll stuff you and sell you on eBay.
Sag' deiner Mama, dass sie wieder bei uns putzen darf, wir haben die fünf Euro wiedergefunden
Tell your mom she may clean our house again, we found the five euros.
Warum sind deine Eltern nicht einfach die fünf Minuten spazieren gegangen?
Why didn't your parents take a walk in those five minutes? (instead of conceiving you)
Deine Zähne sind wie die Sterne so gelb und so weit auseinander
Your teeth are like the stars: so yellow and so far away from each other.
In deinem Kopf sind Staudämme aus Scheiße und die Pisse rinnt in Strömen
In your head, shit builds dams and piss runs in rivers.
Sag' deiner Mama ich bezahle sie später
Tell your mother I'll pay her later
Leichenficker
Necrophiliac
Deine Mama fickt für Busgeld und geht trotzdem zu Fuß
Your mother fucks for bus-money and still walks
Du bist dumm wie drei Meter Feldweg
You're as dumb as 3 meters of field path

melting your dinner?

So I took my mother out for her birthday dinner tonight (her b-day is in April)

We went to the Melting Pot in Philly The city of brotherly hate and a neighborhood full of gay ppl called the 'Gayborhood'.

In fact the Melting Pot is IN the gayborhood of Philly the city of brotherly hate.

we got to the place like 15 min early and walked inside for our 6:15 dinner reservations (15 min early..remember that)

We got introduced the overly complicated menu and my mother still got confused lol ... I was too but I played it off well.

we ordered this yummy cheese fondue thing ... it wa a spinich artichoke cheese fondue. we got salads and it was sooooooooooooo good (mine was my moms was nasty at least it looked nasty) and we got this this other thing that was a flavored broth you dip in all these diffrent type of meats in it. It wasnt that wonderful... we both agreed the cheese thing was MUCH better. an then for desert we got this awesome chocolate dip thing. That was the second best part. The first best part was the alcohol. it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo yummy!!!


I'm drunk now but b.c I had alcohol from a bottle of Kettle One.

Tomorow night I have decided to go to Kristens house for new years instead of going to the fancy party ... shes always been a good friend and shes moving Jan 18th :(

Strap ons are a no-no

ok so really ...why do ppl always think lesbians use strap ons? I mean really!!! think about it ... if I wanted something shaped like a penis going up my 'you now what' (which will from here on out be refered to as the happiness).... Anyway yeah so lesbians dont use strap ons or dildos or double ended dildos ... ok I used a double ended dildo once and it was akward... Fisting is kinda wierd too ... Happiness doesnt like that ... but sometimes girls like it so it gets done ON THEM.... my happines doesnt like that ... I'll add more later when I can think of other wierd thinks to say about lesbian sex... but in the mean time (you know I am writing this just for you) think about what you do to make your girl excited w/out using your penis ... thats the SAME stuff lesbians do.



OK so inaddition I would like to add that telling your family about your sex life or love life is typically not OK... I would like to point out the situation between my self and my ex Mark (my mother set us up ewww) anyway its NOT alright to tell your parents how you lost your virginity at the age of 22 when said girl is coming over for dinner 4 hours later to meet your parents.

iHerb

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Take a breath every few seconds

So as many of you know I went on my 'blnd date' tonight.... man this girl just didnt stop talking ... like EVER!!!

So earlier in the morning I was feeling horrible like stuffy nose sore throat vomiting headache head spinnig and all around the general feeling of just like death ... soI tried to cancel and Carla was like O no I'll just come to you! I hesitantly agreed.

We met at the train station and she started off by talking consistantly for about 10 min until I interjected with are you hungry? ... I thought if I shoed food in her mouth she couldnt talk... she was like oh yeha Im starving my dog ate my lunch ...ok... we drove around for a bit and she sees Red Lobster and screams "OOOO I love Red Lobster" "want to eat there "I would LOVE to eat there" so we go in and get a table kinda in the center of the area we are in. Now I don't knwo about you but I like to keep my public dinner conversation pg maaaybe pg-13 not Carla... she was practically yelling about sex and her exes and how she worked at condom kingdom. I think i maybe talked for 2 min total and it was mostly ugh huh and oh and cool ..nothing of substance ... we left the restuarant to go to the mall (oh I was excited ...not really) Thankfully the mall was closed ... so we decided to go for a tour when she realized she left her take home food at the rest. So I went back and we got the food. so we were back to the car and (oh i forgot to say during inner she had ONE drink and was visibally tipsy) as I go to open the door for her she goes "will you jus kiss me already" it was VERY awkward and I kissed her on the cheek. so thne off for the tour of where I lived ... I stopped to get gas at which pont I texted Karin something along the lines of shoot me she wont shut up but i dont know how that came ou i wasnt looking at the key pad.... anywa y she decides that she would now rather see a movie... so we chnged course and went to the movies .... be settled on Bed Time Stories (good movie...for a 10 yr old...no really it was cute) the whole time in te movie she was texting ppl (got thats annoying!!!! then I took her to the train station to catch the last train back home ... I gave her a hug and she leaned in for a kiss ........ we didn't kiss and now she is texting me telling me what a wonderful time she had ...

Jewish Penicilin

so according to my mother Matza Ball soup is Jewish Penicilin. Everyone in our house is sick ... it didnt make me feel anybetter than before eating it but whatever... I have to go out tonight for a blind date... my friend is trying to hook me up with another friend of his. I'm picking her up at 7:21 from the train station then we are going to do something...i dunno b/c i havnt planned it out exactly... I told my mother I was meeting my friend Kristen Gumbert for dinner... I really hate lying but I cant help it if I was like I'm going out on a date with Carla (any girl) she would throw hersef infront of my car or something equally desperate in an attempt to keep me home. whatever... my cat is kneading me ... I feel like dough .. I'm gonna go get dressed since meetign someone in your PJs would prolly not be a good first impression

Whoa the felony counts I'm up too

so I was driving home from Karins house and I accidently almost drove in New Jersey (grabbed the LAST exist in PA before crossing state lines) that woulda been 550 + 7+10 = 567 felony counts had I crossed state lines only in AMMO so then having 2 loaded guns and a bunch of other things that are illegal ... I wouldnt served life+87345683745 yrs in a dirty jersey prison


Anyway I am getting WAAAY ahead of myself ... Karin you NEED to sear the snow in your drive way .... pon my first attempt to leave I wnet str8 into a pile of snow it was awesome ... I spent about 3 mins trying to get out of the spot... once I was out I round house kicked the pile then jumped on it and left a pretty impression of my foot ...so I left and the driveway and call Eagle ... we talked about stuff and how messed up his ex is ... so i got off of the phone with him and was near windgap PA (the town where nicole lives) I was about to go visit to get my stuff ONLY but decided against it. Prolly a good decision... anyway i was driving listening to Savage Garden and Camera Obscura and Daryn Hayes and some other shiznet .. i was driving along and almost found myself in jersey which I avoided but taking the very LAST exit in PA ... I got pulle over about 30 min after that (no ticket) for driving faster than weather conditions permitted ... he let me go I was goign 40 in a 45 ... so i was fine just b/c im not scared of my own shadow ..geeze ... i drove around for a while finally got to some where i recignized i got a really healthy meal ... a salad and fries (god and the devil were tlaking in my ears telling me what to order .. god wanted fries and the devil wanted that evil salad) it was the BEST salad ever :) ... the place i went to was called "Hot Spot" I thought that it was spicy food but apparently it was an American/Greek combo place ... whatever it was yummy just not hot ... on the road again driving for a while ... and after about like 20 min of driving i narrowly avoided a car pile up i totally swerved around it lol prolly pssed ppl off i shoulda stayed since i witnessed it ... oh well ...now im at home

I talked to Carla on the phone which was semi exciting ... im on a Blog Talk Radio show right now ... I totally called in first and my cat kept meowing in the phone I couldnt stop laughing LMAO... im gonna get going now im bored and these ppl are annoying me

The Indian kid got it right!

American History
It was the first day of a school in and a new Indian student from New Delhi named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, ”Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.Who said ‘Give me liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775′ he said. ‘Very good!’ said the teacher.
Who said ‘A Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863′ said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper from a disgruntled student: ‘Fuck the Indians,’
‘Who said that?’ she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’
Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘ Michael Jackson to a child witness testifying against him- 2004.’
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, ‘I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008″.

splish splash ...I'm taking a bath

actually not but i wanted to take a shower at some point ....my head is still spinning and my eyes still cant focus in properly.... my head is fuggged up

Lesbian Lovers...my version

so today was the day Karin and I have been blogging about for the past 2-5 days ... Alpine day... which of course chronicles the adventures of Jackie and Karin in Montrose. I was going to come up last night however due to my nagging mother who claimed it would be horrible due to the travelers and such and told me I had to wait until early Friday morning... I set my alarm for 530 am and went to bed around 11:30 ... didn't fall asleep until around 1230 b/c Carly kept texting me and then woke up almost every house and finally decided at 3:30 I had enough and got up...i tried to go to the gym but it was closed (butt heads!) came back home and made breakfast which was a protein shake and 1 cookie (it was soooooo good) as I was leaving my mother told me to have a good time call her when i got here and oh yeah "are you a lesbian?" no shit ... how long have I been saying this to you??? she i convinced for whatever reason... So I finally left my house at around 6:30 should of been there by 8:00 maaaybe 8:30 but no didnt get here til real close to 9. the reason was b/c I couldnt take my short cut thru jersey I was traveling with my pez and each one is a felony in Jersey so that would have been 16 felony counts in one day minimum and ppl were driving uber slow... anyway i got up here i was alive i called my mom who made this lame joke about how it wasn't cool it was "actually warm" fuuunnnnyy right? moving on ... so I told Karin I was hungry (as usual) and we went to Jonathans down the road where we got breakfast nothing exciting eggs toast and nasty hash browns Karin got my suasage links that looked like baby cow erections or something similar. we drove by her work and started our drive to The Alpine... along the way we kept our list of assorted talking points saw a semi truck in the road..i mean a fat woman ... Karin yelled out "Go Go Gadget Car" which left me in hysterics for a hot minute ... We got up to honesdale and Karin decides to go to Nikkis but she needs x-mas gifts for the kids so we stop at walmart not much exciting stuff going on there really ... I peed and she made me wait on line 2x... I saw Andrew and Cheyshelle (arlydias siblings..her sister has a smoking body and the two of them look nothing alike and her brother is adorable) I talked to Andrew for a bit and he was very much relieved about having been able to talk to Arly since she had gone missing since Dec 12th... so we left Wal Mart and went to Fawnlake to see the kids ... the car was slipping down the driveway and all even in park and w/ the e-brake. I got out and Karin managed to park us right on a huge chunk of ice no walkability ... i wished i had ice skates ... I slipped on the nICE banged my head and popped my shoulder out (both still are killing me ...i need more alcohol ... the kids were fun I guess the little one Jasmine asked me whats wrong with your face? (I have a bright red scrape on it from earlier today when my glasses got caught in my hoodie and dug a ditch in my skin.... nice eh?... not really) I blew bubbles for her for aobut 5 minutes while she popped them ...exciting exciting right??? well then Karin goes adn gets thier gifts and htey are both excited .... Jasmine had her fairy barbie thing so i helped put on the wings ..i finally got them closed and hooked on properly when Nikki goes thast not right (they are supposed to be opened by apush of a button but apparently she wanted them opened ...whatever) so she opens the wings making what i spent all that time doing worthless..the kid didnt care she just wanted to play with it ... we finally left at which point i told karin if we didnt eat i was going to eat her face... we drove around (in the wrong direction...my stomach doesnt thank you for that one) and then drove to the Alpine where we had a super yummy meal ..... mmmmmmm yummy ... they had no smoked cow tongue in which sucked i was really looking fowrd to it ... oh well there is always next time ... i did however try some nast pork tongue and blood whatever... it was sickening ... we came back to Karins and on the way home i fell asleep in the car (with my mouth open apparently) and then we ate the jewish christmas meal left overs.. .Karin and mike enjoyed it ... i think they said they did ... they ate cookies i brang up too and loved them ... and we build our gingerbread house and make jello shots... I hat 2 double shots and 2 single shots and 4 jello shots... i wasnt drunk and my head and shoulder still hurt alot ... in fact they hurt more now ...i spent a good 2 hours on u4prez.com compalinign to Bernie how I needed to find a new doctor and how i was in pain and at the same time acted wierd on plurk... now i'm about to go to bed..or maybe not Krin jsut busted into this room with no shirt on ..wtf???

Santa Came Sant Came

oh my ... ok so I really never believed in Santa (ya know bing Jewish and all) but it is usualyl exciting for me to get up super early and gather around our chrstmas table to open gifts that I didnt already get for Chanukah (oooo yeah bet youre jelous now) anywa as I already indicated I wasnt that into it this year I didnt get up till about 9:30 at which time instead of rushing out to go open presents adn see if ppl liked what i got them i went and make our christmas feast. a about 10"30 everyoone was up so then we started opening gifts... promptly 5 min into it my brother announces he is going to his friends house ... what an ass ...he cant stay home one day of the year???? are we really that horrible???? I dont think we are I think he is just an ass... anyway I got my family things they all loved ... my Stepdad a laptop my mom a beautiful watch with mother of pearl backng adn diamonds around the face and 18K gold band (and its water resistant ...socre!!!) I got my siser a gift card to her favorite JAP store Forever 21 and my brother got this nifty wireless alarm clock mp3 player cd player thing that he loved ... I got 2 boxes of 22 ammo cds and a check for $175 for scuba diving lessons from my mom and stepdad a bluetooth thingy from my brother, and a braclet 3 CDs and a book called "the survival Chemist" from my sister aaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd some CRAISANS!!!! love those things ... now i want to decorate ginger bread people with my siblings but as per usual they have baracaded themselves in their rooms for the rest of the day ... im going to finish making our christmas feast and clean the house since ppl are coming over tonight ... i still want to do the gingerbread house at some point so who will join me????

Explosions

So at about 6:30 pm there was a load bang outside and from 6:45 to now all I have heard was police ambulence and fire engine sirens. its ntot 8:44 and I just hear another one a minute or so ago. I don;t know whats going on out there but it sounds like bomb or a gas tank exploding... whatever it is it isnt good if the police fire and ambulence ppl are still there 2 hours later and then another explosion was heard.

I know I'm jewish and all but I also celebrate Christmas (my stepdad if he wasnt in our family i woudnt have anythign to do with this holiday). This year I am extremly uninterested in it... I wish that it didt exist at all. This has definitly been the worst holiday season ever. After spending over $650 on my family and knowing that maybe my brother and sister wont be home really pisses me off. it supposed to be a time for family and gift giving and all that BS ... my mom went out of ehr way to prepare a huge dinner (with the neighbors) and we are JEWiSH ... al b.c my stepfather and non practicing sister and brother wanted to conform to the norms of the US. So Chanukah sucked b.c of everyone and now christmas day is gonan suck even more ... I want to just sleep thru it and wake up friday morning at Karins place ... fuck christmas and fuck my family

Its hard as a rock

last ngiht for dinner my mom made stuffed cabbage yummmmmmmmmmmmm and stuffed peppers for my stepdad and the whole time my step dad kept saying "its hard as a rock" "its so dry" and it was just funny b.c he someone managed to turn any conversation into how orrible his stuffed peppers was me and my sister were cracking up out stomachs and sides hurt from luaghing so hard ...

last night i threw my cat 2 times b.c he pissed me off too he hssed at me :( but now hes in love with me again he is sitting on my lap and biting my forearm and licking it too... hes abit of a wierd cat ....

anyway i have nothing else so ad i just wanted to say about dinner last ngiht.. it was going to be more funny but i was pissy last ngiht nad never got aound to doing it

I can kiss a girl better than you

David "I can't wait for your kisses" I can wait a life time for yours buddy ... I don't want to kiss you youre idea of kissing in having your tongue in my throat preventing me from being able to breath. Its just not at all sexy

Listen here you korean wackjob the reason you've been single and never married is due to your inability to kiss or relate to what women want... I mean not that I really ever was attracted to you you have a n icky penis but still... you need to work on your women skills ... I'll have more luck with the ladies in one day than you will have in a lifetime... I know how to kiss them and treat them right and thats that.

lesbians I know all voted for McCain

so today I was hanging out with a bunch of lesbians (I bet you're all suprised). I thought that they all would have voted for that moron Obama, but NO 5 out of the 6 of them said McCain! so I ask who voted for Obama? Everyone I work with voted for Obama but they are brainwashed New Jersey residents. anywnt to know how PA went to Obama??? Everyone I know voted for McCain!!!!! Even the gay people I talk to ... its just udder madness...

in other enws my friends tried to set me up with this girl today and I was just not having it ...she was a 5'8 red head with green eyes ...she looked niced but beyond that she had ZERO personality... I think she was pretty onto that one since I was trying to avoid her like the plague ...

Thats about all of that ... I am really upset b.c I may be losing my job soon and that makes me sad :( stupid economy ... I'm a victim of the car industry collapsing... yes I am an analytical chemist but the company I work for makes catylist for the auto industry since they arent making any since they arent putting in any orders the company is losing money and needs to make tup by getting ri of some people....... this sucks im so confused with what to do and it smakingmevery upset ... obviously i dont want to talk about it anymore

I'm going up to see Karin on Friday leaving around 10pm Thursday night... shes also upset so we can be two miserable girls whining about life ... nah we'll probably have a good tme as usual :)

Sexy Wrestling and bad pick-ups

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Your butts are cute

butts? I thought you only had one?!?!


So one of my facebook friends made an album of her 2 cats. She called this album "the Butts" I responded to the album with "Your butts are cute" She should have called her album "My Pussies" So I could have said "Nice looking pussy"

I am sharing this b/c I have nothing else to say.

Oh yeah I do so today I ran a mile in 9 min 12 sec. it sucked ass and now my thoat feels like shit b.c it is so cold outside so it was hader to breath. Some guy came onto the track with his white fallsington van (number 316) and waved at me while running. I wanted to punch him in the face. He coulda walked the 1/2 lap to where he needed to go instead of nearly running me over while waving at me while driving the track. And now I'm making cheese cake that has been renamed "chicken gristle cheese cake" given this name b/c I refused to tell my coworker Matthew McCoy the secret ingrediant. There is no secret ingrediant I just like messing with him :) ...

If anyone has a nut cracker may I borrow it?!? PLEASE!!!! I bought hazelnuts yesterday in the shell nad cant get the fuckers out of the shell without a nutcracker. I went to NY where they say the nutcracker is but they said I am misunderstanding what they meant by nutcracker. I beg to differ, a nut cracker is a nut cracker.

I don't want to eat that tongue

so remember when i said I liked the taste o cow tongue? .... good well I DONT like when ppl stick their own tongues down my throat. In fact its sickening ...how can ppl kiss that way? Theres nothing romantic or sexually exciting about it ...I'm busy trying to breath when your tongue is in the direct path of my air way.

Anyway as you know (or soon will) I went out on a dte tonight ... not willingly ... my mother forced me to go out with a guy ... anyway we decided to meet at an Indian rest. in Bensalem PA about 20 min from my house ... The food was really good the conversation was a bit intrusive but whatever ... we decided to leave for drinks ...I was driving ... he asked if I wanted the left overs from dinner and I said sure so he went to go put them in my 'trunk' if you will (I drive an eclipse). He saw my 'Vote NObama' sticker and laughed apparently its funny ... so he assumes im a republican and I say no I'm a libertarian ... of course he has no idea what that means so I am in the midst of explaining and he goes "first thing first" grabs my face between his hands and shoves his tongue down my throat.... really this is no way to sweep a girl off her feet there buddy.... anyway after he swallows my face we finally leave the parking lot for some drinks... on the way we passed a Friendly's and he excitedly goes Oh can we stop there for some icecream?!? (and he is 33yrs old) so we geticecream and then go back to his car ... which is freaking awesome he has a hard top convertable BMW ... i want to make love to that beautiful car...then I went home

anyway that was my date and the story of the tongue i wont eat

The Ceremonial Flush

I was tlaking to this person last night, we were talking about Pike County and places it was close too. Somehow the convrsation turned into Honesdale and how I met Karin (yep the ceremonial flush).

I guess I'll tell you how we met. We were in college in the dorms I was going to my room and on the stairs karins ex-dick head John stopped me and asked if I had a screw driver. I said I might I have a whole bunch of tools. So he and I went up t my room and I gave him a hammer. He was attempting to remove and replace the seat on a toilet. Anyway I went down stairs with him to possibly help him out (at that tme he was pretty nice it was later I learned he was an absolute dick). So he banged on the toilet for a bit to loosen the rusty bolts and whatever and then finished the job. Karin then goes "we need to flush it to make sure it works now." Personally I dont know why it wouldnt b/c he was just changing the toilet seat. Anyway that is how the ceremonial flush was established. Anyone who changes the seat of their toilet from here on in MUST do a ceremonial flush in Karins honor.

Anyway LC and I were tlaking about toilets and the Alpine (which she calls the sausage place with the good butcher) and some other random things too. All of this talk made LC want to meet Karin ... I'm still tying to figure that one out.


And there you have the random conversation and the blog about the ceremonial flush (that I wasnt even going to post until Karin asked me if I was going to and of course I then HAD too)

ummm..ermm..uggghh ...

do you "edit' post???? I seriously must be blind wheres the edit buton? anyone anyone anyone at all?


So any way I am sure you can see I figured out the "edit thing"

Where has the time gone?

So I havnt said anything stupid on Blogger.com in afew days so I decided I would follow up my randomness with something a bit on the serious side (and then end with a bit of something random)

So I live pretty close to Pottstown PA and there have been alot of news reports about a 9th grader who was *PLOTTING* to commit crimes at the HS he belonged to using STOLLEN guns. The stories all say about the same thing "thank god we got it in time" "This is a disturbed young man" "he was a loner" (which apparently makes it 'obvious he was going to do something like this ... i dont get it' "He is being charged with attempted murder, recieving stolen propery, pocession of stollen property, burglary, conspiracy to commit a crime and some others I cant rcallall of them" any way I think this i totally asinine BS that the media (and authorities/oddicials) are saying this is solely this kids fault. The media themselves say the kid wa s a straight A student until 9th grade when his grades slipped so badly he had to repeat the grade again. He spent the better part of 2 yrs being picked on made to feel like shit. Who wouldnt be upset adn want revenge? especially when (as the media puts it) the boy was involved in alot of verbal and physical fights (usally on the recieving end of these 'fights') The boy told the school to stop these kids from bullying him and they did nothing. They viewed it as a joke and ignoreed it. Well maybe the people who SHOULD be blamed here are the teachers and school officials who made it worse by suspending him and lettign the bullies get away with this torture. Also the buglary and recieving stolen propery charges with NOT sutick (if he has a good attorney) the boyLIVED in the house where he took the guns from so he did nt recieve stolen anything. The media is jumping all over this like flys on rotten meat ... they are only showing 1 out of every 100 gun incidents to harp on th danger but never tell the stories where guns saved lives or protected someone.

On another note I heard some funn stuff at work i'll update later have o GO to work uggghhhh

I'm a lefty

So I had a sucky day. I went to the gynocologist (BBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) so anyway the doctor goes "I need to tell you something about your body" ..ok ... " Your uterus is left handed" ...ugh what.... "Its rare but your uterus is facing up rather than down so it is kind of like being left-handed" LMAO
yeah so when I sayI hate going to the gynocologist its b.c they make fun of my uterus!

ass-plosion

I just want to say that ass watching (similar to people watch only at ass's) is probably amoung the funniest activities in the world. People should make sport of it. See how many different kinds of ass's you can find. There are many kinds: flat ones, round ones, chunk ones, cellulite ones, heart shaped (apple bottom jean ..god that horrible song), cottage cheese butts, ones that look like bubbles, muffin butts, wiggly butts, firm ones, full mooners, weggy butt, hairy butt, oh the list just goes on and on .... anyway go ass watching its an ass-plosion of a good time

So anyway ... today was a good day ... I'm going out on a date with a doctor next monday ... How do you prepare for a date with a doctor? Does it mean it will be more of a classy date rather than casual?


Also if in the Philly area go to the Mutter Museum it is by far my msot favorite museum ever I have been here 3 times already and Mamas Vegitarian is my fav restuarant in the city of brotherly love :) . Both convietly located within a few blocks of one another. Anyway I am done time for bed night cyber world

Giving a 13 yr old kid some Whiskey and your car keys is ...

... the equivilent of leaving the democratic party in control of this country (ever).

At one point the colors of the democratic party were red while the colors of the republican party were blue. Along the lines the democrats got upset and said no no no that is the color of comunism (hit to cose to homefor them I guess) we can't have that. So the colors got reversed now republicans are red and democrats are blue (because they are a sad sad sad party). I just felt like throwing that out there.

So today I woke up at 10 am (late? Not at all didn't get home from work until 5:00 and didn't go to sleep until about 5:30) My stepdad and I went to a gun show in Allentown ( I saw Nicole there ... although I have no idea why she was there she claims to hate guns...I avoided her even when she was in almost every area I wanted to be....) Anyway I spent maybe a bit more than $200.00 while I was there. $20 on gas $130.00 for ammo $35 for a new shooters bag and $25 to renew my NRA membership. I was looking for an extra (apparently rare) magazine for my new 45 Para Ordinance. I only saw it once and they were asking $50 for it so I figured I would look around some more cause thats kinda rediculously high. So anyway while I was there this guywas walking around going "Shalom Shalom Shalom" to everyone who walked by him. If was kidna funny so I said Shalom back then asked him in hebrew if he knew where the bathroom was. He stared at me blankly so I'm assuming hes not all there with it. But it was still funny hearing him go around screaming "shalom" to everyone.

Anyway the point of this wierd blog was to tell people about my crazy ass idea. I think that Americans need to start a modern day American Revolution. We need the government to be fearful of us! I have more details about this but will post them later.

STOP MOVING!

Yeah I'm at work .. I have an ear infection (I got it when visiting Karin)


So my doctor gave me these drops for my ears and i can't put them in so this girl here ahs been and she is like afraid of putting them in, I've been holding my ear back and she yells STOP MOVING OR I'M NOT GONNA DO IT! its funny lol ...and then I sit there with my head sideways ... you should see it its funny

oh yeah Karin thanks for the ear infection

whereever I want you dillusional ducker!!!!

Anywhere you go buddy!


So some guy aked me "where can you go?" if I were to go out with a girl. At first I was a bit confused by the question but blurted out "Anywhere you go I go, its still a free country!" At that he goes "yeah but its not normal, I mena do you kiss in public?" -with a horrified looking face. to which I replied "dude are you a nutter? Its a free country if you notice the public facilities in America are not broken down into Gay and Straight places. I don;t have to use a special "gay" bathroom or go to a special "gay" movie theatere. Your're delusinal if you think thats how it is" he didn't stopped talking about it for a bit then goes "Sorry, I didnt mean to offnd you, I jut wouldnt want to see it." at that I said "well then good for you dont go out in public its not like you're going to catch the evil "gay" virus" as he stared at me he looked like he was about to cry. LMAO serously how can ppl be that ditached from rational thinking?


Anyway I have to go to the doctors now, not at all looking foward to it. After which I go to work for 3 days of a 12 hour shift each day. Needless to say I will be very tired come Sunday when I am then going to be having much fun with Becky (yes Karin that one...shes fun to hang out with)

Dear Karin

DearKarin,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but I think I realized it our affair is over when you put cuffs on me in a clown suit and I saw you put whipped cream on a catholic priest. I'm sure you're scarred fuse enough to understand that the middle east is planning revenge on you. I'm returning your hanna montanna underwear to you, but I'll keep your mom as a memory. You should also know that I will never forget tht night and I have apassionate interest i mice .

Best of luck on the sex change

Jackie



Fill it in with these!
1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're mean
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When you smacked my ass
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear
3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Lasagna- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Chicken - In your closetKebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - In ur bathtub
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father\
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash\
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - SenileHeroes- FrostbittenLost - HighSimpsons- CowardlyThe news - ScarredFuse - MasochisticFamily Guy - OpenTop Model - Middle-classAnnat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?Happy - How awful you areSad - How boring you areBored - That I get turned on only by garbage menAngry - That your smell makes me vomitDepressed – That we’re relatedExcited - That I may pee my pantsNervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on youWorried - That your Ford sucksApathetic - That you need a sex-changeAshamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobesCuddly - That Santa doesn't exsistSilly - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kidOther - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?White - Your toe ringYellow - The cut toenailsRed - The pictures from VegasBlack - Your pet rockBlue - The couch cushionsGreen - Your home pregnancy testOrange - Your false teethBrown - Your nose hair clippersGrey - Our matching snoopy underwearPurple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanketPink - Your love letters to meOther - Your Hannah Montanna underwear


9) The first letter of your first name?A/B - My virginityC/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on itE/F - Your neighbour’s dogG/H - The oil tank from your carI/J - Your left earK/L - The results of that blood-sampleM/N - Your glass eyeO/P - My common senseQ/R - Your momS/T - Your collection of butterfliesU/V - Your criminal recordW/X – Your sucide noteY/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?A/B - Haven’t showered in a monthC/D - Always will remember the pep talksE/F -Never will forget that nightG/H – Hate your cookingI/J – Will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yardK/L - Mocked you behind your back constantlyM/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poachingO/P - Was interviewed about the car you stoleQ/R - Always wanted to break your legsS/T - Get sick when I think of your feetU/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heartW/X - Told my psychiatrist about the bruisesY/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?Wine- Our friendship is ruinedSoft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemonSoda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an EskimoMilk - The apartment building is on fireWater – I'm scratching my ass as you read thisCider– I have a passionate interest for miceJuice – You ruined my attempts at another world warMineral water – You should get that embarrassing rash checkedHot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weirdWhiskey - I love Oprah WinfreyBeer – Thanks for the CocaineOther – you should stop picking your nose
12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?Italy - Warm tingly sensationsAustralia - Best of luck on the sex changeFrance - Love alwaysSpain - With tears of sadnessChina – You make me sickGermany – Please don’t hurt meJapan - Go milk a cowGreece - Your everlasting enemyUSA - Greetings to your frog LeonardEgypt – Kiss my buttEngland - Go drown yourself \\



NOW IT"S YOUR TURNDear (Someone),I don't really know how to tell you this, but I think I realized it (1) (2) (3) and I saw you (4) (5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

Yeah .. Im not crazy

So last night I snapped... I dont know why ... but thank you to all my friends for being there. I dont know what I would do without you people in my life. I think b/c I spent the better part of that day wih my friend Kristen helping her get shoes and a dress for her wedding (yeah not me at all but for my closest friend from HS I'll do it) I was in that mood where I also wanted to be with someone I "love". I have learned my lesson and don't care about Nicole anymore she is insignificant in the existance of Jackarooo. I wont even send her the evil letter I was planning too b/c she just isn't worth the time it takes to hit the "send" button. I look to the situation like this, it gives me the opportunity to find someone 10000000x better, it also showed me I can count on my friends when I need them (love you all dearly), and I can get new toys. Right now I am home alone I think I am going to clean my rifle then go to the shootign range. My cat is sitting on my lap purring and nuzzleing (and biting my nose cheek lip anything he can get his teeth around) me hes such a good kitty :) (except for the biting)

still ducking mad

I forgot to mention on my way home I was pulled over for "looking angry".. the cop was a prick he was like stop snapping your gum. He told me snapping gum is a sign of anger ...I wanted to shove my gun in his face adn say "whats this a sign of fucker!!!" andthas the end of that .. not ticket or anything but I hate that asshole who pulled me voer for literally NO REASON

I an ducking mad!

DUUUCCCCCKKK

Ok so seriously if I ever mention the name "nicole" please get in my face and let me know what a ducking moron I am and then shoot me right between the eyes b/c seriously if I have not learned my lesson already I need to just ducking die.

Ok so the story behind this is as follows:
Nicole begs me to meet up with her (for some movie time fun.... dont ask ..well dont ask me) , I say yes then she tells me to bug off b.c her ex has been around and then ignores me that night the the next day she says no I'm sorry come still I want to see you so I went (yes I know I am a ducking moron)

So obvously I was VERY pissed and what did I do? called Karin of course! lol... So the begining part of the conversation was me just cursing alot and Karin luaghing alot... the we moved onto talking about bras and boobs (one of my fav subjects of course..well the boobs part) Itold Karin how thoguht she had implants b/c they were perfectly symetrical perky and full... and she was all like really? and I was like totally woman are jealous of your boobs if you ever go to a plastic surgeon to get implants he would be like what are you a nutter? Woman would be jealous... then we talked about some other stuff I don't really remember I think it was about vibrators ... I need to get me one of those ..mine totally sucks ass ... I used it about 5 times and it was just totally crappy ... I think we also talked about how nicole has my "toys" and now i have to replce them ... that sucks some of that stuff was kinda expensive :(

I want to take her Fallopian tubes and wrap them around her neck

Say hello in a sexy morning voice

So going to bed at 12:03 this morning I was looking foward to getting up at 4:30 (groan.... yeah 4.5 hours later) However Ms I'm not getting outta bed woke me up at 4:06...so will a little less than 4 hours of sleep I had to begin making my drive down home. After waking up Iwas thinking I need to pee but of course Karin had no TP in her bathroom (BITCH!) I figured that I would stop somewhere and pee and get breakfast. I began my drive by rockin' along to some rap on the radio, I then realized that my skin is white so changed the channel . Which meant me jamming to some christmas songs, realizing that I was Jewish and probably making god mad I changed the radio station. So anyway about an hour later I couldn't resist the urge to pee any longer. I stopped in some small town called "Wind Gap" what an absolute shithole. There was a sign on te road advertising a 24 hour McDonalds of course I was like hell yeahz!!! so getting off the road I totally didn't go over to the right far enough and was definitly driving into on coming traffic. some guy actually drove right by me as I was on the wrong side of the road not honking or caring what-so-ever. So either this guy was also as confused as I was with the road ways or just didn't give a shit. Anyway as I drove past the "24 hour Mc Donalds" I realized they were def closed (assholes!) I continued down the road and found this Gulf gas station. Upon stopping my first thought was "I NEED TO PEE!" SO I went ot the bathroom were I found that there was NO TP!!!! AGHHHHH WTF is my home the only one in PA that has more than roll of TP??? Seriously its recockulous! Anyway I told the lady at the counter who then over reacted and frantically ran around the store questioning what she should do to rectify the situation. Eventually the woman found a roll allowing me to finally (happily) pee. anyway I left the station and made sure to absolutly go all the way to the right this time. I then continued my drive, Inoticed that I had at some point passed my favorite health food store in the whole world meaning that the gun store where I get my guns was just down the road (it was but unfortunatly it was to early and it wasn't open :( :( triple :( ) anyway the rest of the drive was uneventful. When I got homemy mom tld me about some greatguy she set me up with on some online dating website ... I think I'll answer him and tell him I'm a 300 pound whale and I eat one meal a day ALL DA the healthiest meal I ever had was the day I ate potato chips ALL DAY.

WTF

So how can someone be all over you, then like a day later say she doesnt want to see you, and then the VERY next day call you sweetie hun and baby? Am I missing something here? Is there something somewhere going on that I am not aware of? WTF?!?!?!?!?! Is she just a psychotic crazy person that I should run away from? Please please please inform me

The lies

So Karin thinks her drawing was of "grapes" it is really disheartening that she just will not admit that it was a cartoon drawing of pancreatic cancer. I really have to pee... one sec .... ok I'm back and my that was so relieving on the bladder. Anyway, today I bought some Japanese Silk cuffs I thought they were the really cool ones I had before but of course they weren't. Now I need to go to that meanies house and get all my fun toys back without having to deal with her much. My friend Becky (she once told me that I was to fat to date and that I should go eat cake...yeah shes a bitch too and its a long story) was like I'll go with you and hold her down while you beat the snot out of her. I told her no thanks but thanks for the offer. I really enjoy the taste of smoked cow tongue, I'm going to make a sandwhich and bring it into work and see if anyone wants to try it. I wonder though what would be compatable with tongue? In my experience I have only put vagina with tongue but hey I might be down for some mustard or ketchup on my cow tongue. My mother wants me to come home ASAP she is convinced I am sleeping with Karin LMAO. She always ask me what I am doing up here and I always say "hanging out and shooting guns" but this last time I told her I was going to have sex with her and she says "no really what are you going to do up there? That isn't funny" so my immediate thought is well WTF?!?!?!?! Anyway this is super long and I don't think I made much sense or followed any chronilogical order in which things occured... have fun with trying to understand. Peace from the trenches this is the General speaking.

Lucky Charms..

My mother is a psycho. She keeps trying to hook me up with my future husband, and her idea of this is a man who likes lucky charms and pizza for breakfast. I think my mother missed out on the whole Marijuana thing, it would seem my mothers dream husband for me is a stoner. She doesn't quite grasp that only stoners eat lucky charms and pizza for breakfast, you would think she would have higher aspirations for me, apparently not. She has taken it upon herself to fill out as many online dating profiles for me as she can. Which is rather scary because I don't like penis. She thinks I have "come down with the gay" and that I can be cured of my ailments, with a penis. D'nial ain't just a river in Egypt.  *sigh* I have frequently been visiting my friend Karin on the weekends and she is  convinced that I am diddling her cooter every weekend. (Of course, I am going to buy her a vibrator for Christmas.. even though she is in denial about being a Jew) Yesterday Nicole really screwed me over, she is a bitch, she decided to hook back up with her ex and not explain to me why or give me any warning. I have a really cool bondage belt. Umm what? I constantly have sex on the brain and make sexual innuendoes.. right now my stomach is screaming at me to eat.. but Karin won't get off her lazy ass and go get food with me.. and there is no food in her house that I want, I just checked. I bought some Cow Tongue at the Alpine yesterday. Karin won't try it because she is a pussy. I am going to eat a cow tongue now... (and possibly kill Karin's dog because she is drooling on me ewwwwww)